Tales of the Parodyverse

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Nitz the Bloody
Mon Dec 13, 2004 at 04:46:18 pm EST
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The Commission starring Nitz the Bloody #1
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NOTE: This story is a parody of the Authority and similar comics. In order to be an accurate parody of the Authority, there is gratuitous violence, strong language, suggestive ( and explicit ) themes , and heavy-handed politics and racial references. They do not reflect any of my personal views. If you are likely to be offended by any of these, you might want to stop here.

Those who have decided not to stop here have taken the red pill, and shall now enjoy the show. Hopefully.

The Commission starring Nitz the Bloody Part 1
By Neil Kapit

It’s Christmas morning and Shawn “ Nitz the Bloody “ Griffon awakens to find himself strapped to a metal chair in a dark room, bound and gagged. His hands are bound on armrests by metal clamps, and his legs are similarly restrained. A metal bar is strapped to his mouth, forcing him to breathe through his nose. Nitz almost completely naked, wearing only a pair of gray unisex underwear. He tries to be as comfortable as possible, under the circumstances.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, he thinks. It wasn’t supposed to be like this at all.....

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It’s August and Nitz faces his biggest challenge yet....Parodopolis University. His friends moved out of his apartment, saying it was “ time for a change “, and his mother has been pressuring him to go to school via two phone calls a day. So he finally has given in and is headed to college. He already finds it more daunting than any villain he’s faced yet.

He arrives on a Saturday to meet his roommate bit only sees a young man. Nitz immediately wonders if the puberty fairy had ever visited him. He is a short young man, with a boyish face lacking of any stubble. He is impeccably dressed, wearing a tan business suit that seemed out of place on a college student. He doesn’t even look up to see Nitz, still unpacking his computer equipment ( he has a lot of it ). It comes to Nitz’s attention that the boy is completely bald, and looking like a skinhead.

“ So, “ he tells him, “ Are you my roommate’s little brother? “

Stanng finally looks up at Nitz, with penetrating brown eyes and a knit brow. “ I AM your roommate, numb nuts. My name is Jonathan Armstrong Stanng. I skipped five grades or so. “

” Whoa, “ Nitz replies, feigning interest. “ You must be some kind of rocket genius. “

” Smarter than you, anyway. Now shut up and unpack. “

“ Excuse me, but I was under the impression that we were having a polite conversation. “

” Well, apparently you were incorrect “. He continues to set up his computer. Nitz grits his teeth as he thinks of several death/pain spells to use, but realizes that super-heroes don’t do that sort of thing, so he just accepts the fact that a fifteen-year-old is condescending to him.
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College, Nitz finds, is just like high school with beer kegs. In other words, no friends, no dates, no meaning in the community. Well, at least here there are beer kegs.

Determined to get his mind off his boredom, Nitz takes up an invitation to a frat party midway through the week. There are lots of cups of watered-down suds, of some sort of foul domestic beer. However, it is like drinking water with a faint alcohol aftertaste, and Nitz in a bad mood that day, so he keeps drinking and drinking until he passes out.

He wakes up in a jail cell.

Nitz asks the guard what he did. Apparently, he had too many drinks, wandered down the street with a full bladder, and mistook a mailbox for a toilet. Many feelings go through Nitz at the moment....embarassment, self-pity, fear that his mom will find out, anger at the whole world. He could theoretically act on his anger, and destroy the entire jail cell, but superheroes don’t do that, so he sits still.

Eventually the bars open, the guard tells Nitz he’s free to go, and gives him a lengthy lecture on underage drinking before letting him out of jail. Stanng is waiting there at the exit, standing in a dominant pose with his arms behind his back. Nitz realizes that Stanng was, for some reason, the one who posted his bail.

“ Huh, “ he smiles, “ I thought the Priest of Zeku would be a bit less of a buffoon. “

All Nitz can say is “ What? “

Stanng grins again. “ Oh, come on. I just bailed your drunken ass out of prison. The least you can do is say ‘ thanks. “

” I AM thankful, “ Nitz concludes, “ But why did you bail me out? And how did you know about that fact that I was....uhh...me? “

” I think I’d better have you over for dinner, “ he replies.

Nitz raises an eyebrow. “ Whoa whoa whoa, I’m thankful and all, but I don’t swing that way.... “

Stanng rolls his eyes and puffs. “ Oh, don’t flatter yourself. Even if I were gay, don’t you think I could do better than YOU? “

” If you’re so busy insulting me, why did you even get me out of jail in the first place? “

Stanng reaches up and put sa hand on Nitz’s shoulder. “ Because, “ he solemnly states, “ I’m COMMISSIONING you. “

” What? “

” You didn’t get the reference? God, you’re slow. “

“ Seriously, help me out here. “

” Just shut up and come over to my parents’ house. “

Stanng gets out a cell phone and calls his mother to pick the two young men up. Soon a silver SUV arrives. Nitz gets in the back.

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They arrive at a fancy penthouse in Pierce Heights, where Nitz and Stanng sit down in the living room while his parents make dinner in the posh kitchen. Nitz feels guilty for accepting bail and food after the mailbox incident, yet intrigued about how Stanng knew the truth about him. He sits still on the nice Italian couch.

Out of the kitchen emerges a tall and gangly young Asian woman with thick glasses. She is wearing a lot of baggy clothing, but it is easy to tell that she is extremely thin, almost unappealingly so. Nitz notices she wears no makeup, but lots of jewelry, thick gold chains around her neck, with a large green emerald in the center. She submissively gestures to the boys, and softly says “ Uh...guys...dinner’s ready. “

“ What? “ Nitz asks, not having heard. The woman doesn’t speak again, she just looks down at the ground.

“ Nitz, “ Stanng tells him, “ Allow me to introduce Miss Molly Kitsarugi, my FOSTER sister. “

Molly almost says hello to Nitz, but only manages half a smile. He nods at her. They enter the dining room. Stanng’s mother and father are sitting at the table. There is a nice lobster dinner in the center, which everyone quickly sits down to. After a quick meal, they start talking to each other.

“ So, “ Stanng’s mother says as the party eats, “ I hear you’re the Priest of Zeku, Shawn. “

” Well, yeah, “ Nitz weakly responds. “ But how did you know? “

” We know all about you, Nitz “, Stanng tells him. “ We’ve been tracking you since you became the Priest. We know everything you’ve done. “

” Prove it, “ he frowns.

Stanng points to his forehead and grins. “ I know things about you, see. I know that you had a semi-lucrative job hunting supernatural monsters. I know that you’ve been off-world with the Lair Legion. I know that you’ve killed a man before. “

” We know that you’ve dated a robot before, too! “ Molly announces. Everyone just stares at her, and she shrinks in her chair.

I’m never EVER going to be let alone for that, Nitz thinks.

“ We also know that you’re pretty pathetic, too, “ Stanng tells Nitz.

“ What the hell are you talking about, “ he demands.

“ Oh come on, man, “ Stanng says, rolling his eyes. “ You hunt down supernatural freaks for money. You think that solves anything? You think that really makes a difference? “

” It matters plenty! “ Nitz shouts. “ I saved the whole frickin’ city! Am I right, people? “

The Stanng family just looked at him. Molly turns away nervously. Stanng’s father puffs on his pipe and says, “ Johnny’s got a point there, Shawn. You really haven’t done much. “

” Oh, what right do YOU have to lecture me, old man, “ he screams.

“ Calm the hell down, “ Stanng says. “ We’re not criticizing you. We’re suggesting a change of actions on your part. “

“ What do you mean, “ Nitz demands.

“ I think you’d better come with us. I’m going out for a while, mom, dad. “

” Ok, “ Stanng’s mom smiles, “ But be back by 11, OK sweetie? A growing boy like you needs all the sleep he can get. “

Stanng sighs. “ Fine, whatever. “

Stanng, Molly, and Nitz leave the dining room and go back to the living room. Stanng pushes a button on his watch, and a giant green portal opens. Molly quickly runs through it. Stanng looks back at Nitz, and asks him “ Are you coming? It’s either this or you go back to the crap hole that is Parodopolis University. “

Nitz shrugs. “ Put like that, I guess I have no choice, “ and he walks through the portal as well.

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They arrive at the door of a gigantic castle floating on a rock in an endless blizzard. To the back is endless open space, a drop that seemed to go on forever. To my front is the ruins of a massive marble castle, collapsed pillars littering the landscape and cracks in all the walls. At the ruined entrance there is a large steel door, about seventy feet in height. Stanng just looks at it, blinks, and the door opens to the side. They enter through a long dark hallway.

“ What is this place, “ Nitz asks.

“ The Citadel “, Stanng smiles. “ Built by me, a fortress floating through a dimension linked to all other dimensions. A chill that runs through all possible worlds. “

” In English, sir. “

Molly interjects, “ It’s the place of our secret headquarters! Wait, I’m getting ahead of you again, aren’t I? Sorry, Johnny... “

” Clearly you are, “ Stanng sighs as they continued down the dark hallway. “ Anyway, this is where we have set up our base for your operations. “

” Who’s we? “ Nitz wonders aloud.

They enter another door through the hallway, and come into a large blue room with several glowing monitor screens. Inside are two men. One is an attractive and muscular blonde-haired man Nitz recognizes to be famous actor/recording artist Lance Flutterby, known for his starring role as Brett in the teen drama Palm Beaches. The one thing different about him than expected is that he is wearing a silver and black metal-plated suit and holding what looks to be some form of helmet. The other is a huge man with a shaved head and no clothes other than leather pants and boots.

“ Allow me to introduce Lance Flutterby, aka Bateleur, and the Enlisted. “ Stanng said. The two men walked over. “ Bateleur, Enlisted, this is Nitz the Bloody, the Priest of Zeku. “

” Sir yes sir, “ the Enlisted screams, saluting. “ It is an honor to meet the Priest of Zeku, sir! “

” Uhhh....right, “ Nitz mutters. “ Nice to meet you, Lance. I remember seeing you on SNL. “

“ Most people don’t remember me from side gigs, “ Lance states, “ But yeah, it’s nice to meet you too. “

“ Together with Massive Molly and the Umbra, “ Stanng elaborates, “ We are the Commission. We are the one true superpower in this world, across all worlds. “

” And you do....what? “ Nitz wonders.

“ Sir! “ the Enlisted shouts. “ We are a crack-team of proactive post-human commandos dedicated to maintaining peace universe wide, sir! “

” What he said, “ Stanng elaborates. “ The point is, we have formed to stop evils of all forms. We are facing the biggest threat this world has ever faced, and we need your power. “

” I thought you were just calling me an idiot? “ Nitz grumbles.

“ Just because you’re an idiot, “ Stanng tells him, “ Doesn’t mean you’re not useful. You’re the Priest of Zeku, Nitz. You’re a living weapon of mass destruction. And we need you to stop the upcoming assault. “

” What assault “, Nitz asks. Suddenly one of the screens lights up to reveal a woman’s face. A woman who is made of complete darkness, with two yellow eyes.

“ Umbra to base, “ she yells, “ Umbra to base! I’ve entered their compound. And I’ve found out what they’re working on. Gate me in. “

” And what is that, Alea? “ Stanng asks.

A green portal appears, and the pitch black woman enters, shifting her dark skin into the form of a normal woman of indetermined, possibly Arabic ancestry. She is wearing a black jumpsuit. “ They’re going to take over the Earth, “ she says, in a tense but sultry voice. “ They’re going to start with Poland. “

” Who’s ‘ they ‘? “Nitz implores.

“ The Nazis, “ Stanng says. Nitz just stands there, raising an eyebrow.

“ What, you thought there’d be only one group of Nazis in the universe? We’re dealing with an alternate-dimensional army here. In their reality, they acquired Skree technology in exchange for selling the Earth as slave labor, and easily won World War 2. They then proceeded to take over OTHER worlds, in this case, ours. “

“ Suit up, people, “ Stanng orders. “ We’ve been commissioned. “Nitz shudders at his enjoyment of that phrase, but when he opens up another gate, Nitz stands still. “ Can somebody explain to me what the hell is going on here? “ he demands.

“ Dammit, are you coming or not? “ Stanng growls. Nitz shrugs and flashes yellow. When the flash subsides, he is dressed in his full costume, red leather with a steel helmet. Armored for the first time in weeks, he enters with a newfound confidence.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The city of Warsaw is in flames. Giant swastika-emblazoned spaceships resembling gargantuan Focke-Wulves float above the city, shooting large red beams down at the buildings below. People run through the streets screaming, while gray armored stormtroopers march behind them. The Commission and Nitz stand in the middle of the street. They talk through communication devices concealed on their persons, speaking to each other over radio.

“ Oh S---, “ Stanng grumbles, “ We’re too late. “

” So much for being a pro-active superhero team, “ Nitz snarks.

” For the last time, “ Stanng snarls, “ We’re NOT superheroes! We’re post-human commandoes. “

” Ahem-- “ Lance coughs. “ In case you hadn’t noticed, there’s an alien Nazi invasion going on. “

Stanng nodded. “ Right. Molly, show these bastards what they’re in for. “

She stammers, “ A-a-are you sure I should...? “

” NOW. “ With that, she takes off the awkward gold chain she had around her neck, and an amazing thing happens. She starts to transform. Molly grows rapidly in size, her baggy clothes ripping away to reveal a red swimsuit and gold-plated arm and leg clamps; her thick glasses, however, remain intact, and grow with her. Her body gains an alarming amount of muscle as her height skyrockets. After she gains her final height of sixty-four feet, her hair transforms, turning an electric blue. Immediately after her metamorphosis, Molly grabs a stray car off of the street and throws it at one of the battleships. It flies through the ship like a pencil stuck through melted butter, and the ship starts to crash.

“ Oh my god, “ she squeals in an impossibly deep voice, looking down at the rest of her teammates,“ I-I-I.... “

” That’s great, real great “ shouts Stanng, “ Now keep doing it! “ With that, the rest of the “ Commission “ get to their feet. Lance puts on his helmet and takes to the sky on a pair of yellow energy wings. The Enlisted materializes a large green rifle from thin air and shoots fusion bolts at the stormtroopers, screaming all the while. The Umbra transforms into a dark shadow and stretches across the street, enveloping some of the troopers and ripping through their armor and into their vitals.

All Nitz can do is stand there, watching the chaos. The Nazis summon more ships, more troops. Some bizarre walking machines, looking like Panzer tanks with legs, teleport to the streets. Stanng stands next to Nitz, crouching. He glowers at Nitz. “ Don’t just sit there and suck, “ He screams, “ Say something-eku! “

“ Fine, “ Nitz shrugs, “ Overrideku! “He is now in control of one of the Junkers battleships. Data streams through his mind. Targeting receptacles blink across his eyes. He squints, and decided to shoot some of those trademark red beams at some of the walkers. They burn and explode. He hears screams from the metal debris, horrible jagged screams. Immediately he stops shooting and goes back to doing nothing, only now more unnerved.

The Commission doesn’t seem bothered. Molly is daintily stepping on the walkers, the Enlisted is screaming bloody murder while firing at everything that moves, and Bateleur is tearing apart troopers with energy claws eminating from his gauntlets. The soldiers, on the other hand, keep coming. A broadcast of something in German sounds, and more vehicles teleport in. Things seem hopeless to many of the Commission.

Finally, an even louder broadcast sounds. It is Stanng’s voice, echoing through every human head present.

“Attention, Nazis. My name is Jonathan Armstrong Stanng. I was always born smarter than everyone else, you see. At age 3 I mastered telekinesis, at age 5 I learned telepathy. I cracked the dimensional code at age 8, and learned how to practice magic at age 10. And at age 15, I’m F---ing TIRED of you. “

“ So here’s my order.....F--- off and die. You either retreat with your tails between your legs, or I shut down your Medulla Oblongatas. Do we understand each other? “

In a second, all the walkers turn around and walk away. The stormtroopers turn tail and run. The motherships transport the walkers and troopers upwards, and fly off into the stratosphere.

Soon, all that is left was a smoldering city, a panicked populace, and five post-human commandoes. And Nitz, trying desperately to wash the perceived blood off his hands.

NEXT: The future of the Commission, however short it may be.

VOICE-ACTOR CASTING NOTES

Nitz the Bloody: Adam Busch
Jonathan Armstrong Stanng: Frankie Muniz
Massive Molly Kitsarugi: Lia Sargent
Bateleur: Steven Jay Blum
The Umbra: Wendee Lee
The Enlisted: Jim Byrnes


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